Origami and Sitars

Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed by all that is in my mind and stirred by all that is in my spirit I get restless and imaginative...I begin to hear a painting, and see the music..that reeks of insanity, I know, but usually when I'm this "out there" it begins to translate into a burst of creative energy. My "problem" is always deciding to where to channel it...do I go dig my chalk and/or oil paints from the laundry room closet? grab a knitting needle? exercise my fingers on the black and whites of the piano or across a computer's keyboard? do I escape to the acoustics of my shower? pedal my way through a woodsy trail or set my feet slapping to the rythym of music on the path around the lake? And, what would Jesus do...lol? Much of the time I allow this indecision to plague me to the point of wasted potential and creative frustration (aka doing nothing whatsoever)...but, tonight, I allowed the sweet music of some little-known artist (Eric Skye "My Romance") and the images I was hearing in his music to harmonize with those in my head along with those deep stirrings in my spirit...and this is what it yielded. By no means the pièce de résistance of my life or, possibly, even of my week; but, it is unpretentious and very "now" for me...

Origami and Sitars

My life folds and layers endlessly, in and over itself.
It will not fit neatly in a category or file easily upon a shelf.
Careful creases and haphazard diagonals across fine tissue,
And many strengths are talented enough to double as an issue.
An origami celebration set to the sound of a smooth jazz guitar.
Or the melody of a sad song playing on George’s lonely sitar.

“Not going gently” rises up artlessly and with great zeal,
As does moving on too quickly with little chance to heal.
Reluctance to lead; yet, desperation to “rage against a dying light.”
And still a prevailing need to discern what is and what is not my fight.
Dismissal and misunderstanding permeate so much of my relation;
But, learning, every God-given dream does not demand interpretation.

Simultaneously looking back to acknowledge while letting it all go.
Reaching forward with passion and trusting its upward, outward flow.
Scope and magnitude are limitless though, presently, confined to my dreams alone.
Though it is in the heart of their Master Designer that they truly find their home.
So with knowledge that God is the resource for fulfilling this passionate urge
I will rest in Him and, as a brave dreamer says, I will “trust it to emerge.”

Hope deferred...

You know, sometimes I'm just blown away by the love God has for us...I don't know what's going on in your life right now as you're reading this humble blog of mine; but, in all honesty, I've really been through the muck lately. For all the enjoyment I get out of reading about, studying, explaining, and relating the mathematical and scientific laws that govern the universe to life, the only one that has seemed to rule my own life, of late, was Murphy's Law...it has felt like for every glorious connection/breakthrough/discovery that I've made recently I've been hit with 10 challenges/losses/disconnects. And we're talking about big hits that have left strain in just about every area of my life and even in the lives of those around me...I could make you a list of all of the trying things going on in my life right now but I'm not trying to be histrionic just authentic and maybe a little vulnerable so that you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going with this...

It's important for me to relate to you how very much I like to feel like I have some control over the direction my life takes...I like order, I like to make plans, I like lists with checkmarks. My niece just discovered that I was a student who color-coded by subject down to the highlighter used in my textbook and notes and purchased me a 10 count package of highlighters in a rainbow of colors. :D I was "one of those" with a 10-yr. plan fresh out of high school and had a fair idea of exactly what my life would look like the day I turned 30. ROFL!!! Well, it would have been about 7 yrs. ago that all of those best-laid plans began to come unraveled and me with them. I've come through it, however, and have been delivered from some of those captive mindsets that motivated my over-industrious habits and control-freakiness. Yet, like the Hebrews freshly sprung from the clutches of the Egyptians, I've found myself in a wilderness season of life. And, sad to say, like the Hebrews, I've found myself stomping my feet and pouting about how at least in that former season of my life I knew what I would eat and drink, etc. Or, more accurately, at least in that season of my life I felt some purpose in, understanding of, and direction for my life (misguided as it may have been). Silly, huh? Well, I came to that realization myself a while ago and have embraced whatever it may be that God has planned for me. Nevertheless, here I sit in the wilderness having become very impatient for the promised land...

So, I've caught you up on how I've been feeling lately (i.e. stuck in the wilderness still believing God for whatever's next...waiting, praying, believing...but, because of so many recent disappoinments, not really hoping.) Then, this morning, I'm in church and this gentleman, a pastor, stands up with one of those things that totally scare spit-less the un-churched and still challenge some circles within the church...he begins to prophesy. He says and I'm paraphrasing with liberties, "There are some of you here today who are believing, and I mean, really believing for things in your life...dreams tucked deep away in your hearts. You believe that God is able, You believe that God placed them inside of you and that He can bring them to fruition. But you're in pain with it...because you've lost something vital. You're believing but you're not expecting. You've lost your expecation because of so many disappointments. And now you won't let yourself expect because it hurts too much and you don't want to be let down again. But God wants to tell you and your heart today to continue to believe but also to EXPECT and that those things, those dreams, that you are believing for will come to pass..." It was a moment of indecent exposure of the heart for me...LOL...let me tell you what I mean by that. Have you ever been in one of the various states of undress and the phone rings but, without thinking, you go ahead and answer it? But, while talking, your, ahem, various state of undress begins to make you feel uncomfortable because the longer the conversation goes on the more aware of it you become even though the person on the other end can have no idea? Well, indulge me a moment, then (even if I'm the only one who's jumped out of the shower to answer the phone). As the Pastor talked the more "naked" my heart felt until I was almost paranoid that those around me could see through me to the state of my heart at that moment. All of my newly-awakened dreams just haven't found purchase and it's like I've caught heart flu...(graphic mental picture of a snot covered, cold sore infested, fever-y, achey heart...not pleasant). So, service moved on...good message on fear, and good fellowship after but God's voice was still and small resonating in my sick heart because there's nowhere that he refuses to show up and nothing too gross, too sick, or too dark that he cannot diffuse with his light. "Hope deferred..." he said over and over...strangely familiar phrase but I just couldn't place it...

So, after lunch and while my youngest is settled down for a nap I do what every tech-savvy American girl does when she has a phrase or question caught in the framework of her heart and mind, I googled it. :) And, lo and behold, I get this...

Proverbs 13:12 (New International Version)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Extremely relevant...and coupled with the prophecy it's a promise that as I continue to expect my longing to be fulfilled I will experience that tree of life or (as The Message puts it) my life turned around. I wish I could say that I just took that word, felt my heart miraculously cured, and went on my merry way to slay the dragons of disappointment, defeat, and discouragement...but, no, I felt uplifted but still inhibited by all of the chaos and disappointments taking place in this very moment of my life. My life still feels as though it's spinning out of control and that I have no clarity for my future....

It wasn't until I was listening to some Suzy Yaraei worship music and 'surfing' that I came across an article and felt the beginnings of release and hope springing up out of my heart like the tender leaves that poke through the spring dirt.

SUMMARY
Scientists in France and at the University of Ohio have made theoretical advance in atomic behavior that could lead to sharper images on MRI's. Nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR) and it's medical version, MRI, show what the inside of an object looks like by detecting tiny atoms that act like magnets. Inside the machine's strong magnetic field, atoms align according to north and south magnetic poles, spinning and precessing like tiny tops. Each type of atom broadcasts its identity by emitting a unique radio frequency.

NMR can reveal the structure of individual molecules. But pictures of complex objects, like the human brain, often lack detail, because whenever atoms happen to broadcast in opposite directions, they cancel each other out of the final image.

So, to boost NMR resolution, scientists routinely perform a certain type of experiment that keeps the spins of atoms under very strict control. They refer to such experiments as adiabatic. However, the atoms in the experiments don't always behave as the scientist's intended them to in this intensely controlled environment. Instead, it seems that although the experiment yields good results, the atoms seem to fly out of control.

However, after further research, it was discovered that the atoms were not spinning out of control they were just moving in a way outside of the commonly accepted adiabatic theory. This "super-adiabaticity" is what was responsible for yielding good results without the usual and predictable paths...Furthermore, scientists are discovering through complex mathematical computations and 3-D charting that the "out of control" spinning atom is actually following a very carefully designed path.

"With super-adiabaticity, the atoms follow a different -- sometimes, wildly different -- path, but still end up at the right destination."

Scientists hope to use the charting of super-adiabaticity and to incorporate the algorithm into software for controlling NMR and MRI measurements, where it might boost image resolution.

So, my conclusion from that article is really rather short and concise...I'm not spinning out of control. And this wildly different path I'm on will end up at the right destination...and, better yet,the end result will be a boosted image resolution...a clearer picture of who my God is and who He is making me to be within his kingdom.

So maybe the path of my life is "super-adiabastic" and I'm coming unraveled. :D

But I'm thankful...

And it's good...

Because I know that in the midst of the unraveling God is threading my life into a marvelous tapestry that it will, like all good tapestries do, tell a story...A story of an unlikely woman with a dream who believed and HOPED! And, God, who loves her (and you, not incidentally), was faithful as he promised...

And, if you can relate, Friend, I hope this shared chapter in the story of this unlikely woman can encourage you...keep hoping...



.........................................................Celtic Tree of Life Tapestry

Perception is 9/10th’s of the Flaw

I’m going to ask you to dig around for your “right-brain” passport and take a make-believe hop across the pond with me to the University of the West of Scotland’s Paisley campus. The mini-course/experiment we will participate in together has only one prerequisite and that is that you pretend, for the sake of our experiment, that I am the one person in your life who has done nothing to let you down; has only ever been honest with you; has always had your best interest in mind; and never fails to use every opportunity you give me to further our relationship by means of shared love, wisdom, and devotion. I’m pretty fantastic, huh?!? The point is you have faith in me completely, utterly, and wholly…or so you should. So, if you’ll allow your mind’s eye to make that stretch, we will continue our journey…

After viewing what I’m sure is a gorgeous campus, imagine you find yourself standing in front of a door. Before we enter, I, in my unfailing honesty, assure you that the room we are about to walk into has the potential to be frightening, challenging, and disorienting; and, yet, I will not leave you, you will come out whole and with a new understanding. I assure you that no matter what your senses may tell you, the reality of the room is greater. I ask you to just be still and trust; and, in time, we will see ourselves out of the room. This being said, the door is opened.
As the door swings wide, a doubt so strong settles within you that as you take that first step forward a powerful fear captivates you and you are instantly blinded without even a glimpse of your surroundings. Panic explodes like a bomb in your chest, and the hysterical blindness causes you to stumble forward and land on your face. You cry out; and, in that moment, when you hear your own voice a bone-terror invades every functioning system of your body. In that same instant, every single thing your available senses perceive indicate that I lied to you.

You are so consumed in your horror you don’t feel my attempts to help pull you from the floor and in your hysteria you even fight me. Your own screaming mind has rendered my quiet reassurances and pleas inaudible. You exhaust yourself with your maddening frenzy by stumbling about and raging against what you cannot see. Finally, after thrashing about and screaming has only proven to cause you injury and to amplify your considerable terror; you lie still, your chest heaving from the exertion of your fear-driven adrenaline rush, and a paralyzing silence settles over you. You have now completely dismissed everything I’ve told you, and you begin to worry about what you now believe to be true. You have deduced that you are in a small enclosed space, and you shudder at the thought that it may be a coffin. Having forgotten the initial fall, the flailing and your on-hands-and-knees attempts to find an escape; you allow your ears to tell you that the space is so small it isn’t even physically possible that I am with you. Your ears tell you that you probably only have about two inches of room on any side of you. You begin to worry that you’ll run out of oxygen before anyone finds you.

It is in this quiet moment of desperation that you come to the end of yourself and call out for your faithful friend, Beth. And, in this moment of stillness and seeking, you feel my cool hand brush across your forehead…and you know that I am. I am with you, I never left you, and I have been intervening on your behalf through it all…And (blink, blink, blink) with this realization, your hysterical blindness vanishes as quickly as it appeared. You look into my eyes and see the truth. You reach for me and I help you to your feet; and, with your eyes opened, you are able to see the reality of the room you were in. A realization as bright as the dawn makes you feel ashamed, because you know that it wasn’t I who lied to you. The lie existed in only what you perceived with your senses…because the room’s reality was greater than your perception.

Thank you for flying AirBeth, you may now disembark...please do not leave your "right-brain" in the overhead compartment because I foresee you needing it in your personal overhead compartment for the remainder of...your life.


The experience I just described is possible because the room I described does exist. It is the 97% Anechoic Chamber at Paisley University's Ayr campus. Just a quick trip into the science and purpose of the chamber…It is a fifteen by ten room that is designed to be used in acoustics to conduct experiments in nominally “free field” conditions. Such rooms are designed so that all sound will travel away from a source with nearly no sound reflecting back. Common experiments in an anechoic chamber include testing the noise radiation from industrial machinery or measuring the transfer function of a loudspeaker. Anechoic Chambers on a less efficient and smaller scale are recording studios or, in my personal experience, a radio broadcasting studio. It was while reading about anechoic chambers that I had this nightmarish thought about what it would be like to stumble into such a place unawares. Scientists who work within these rooms will readily admit the disturbing quality of the atmosphere and say that they regularly experience disorientation and loss of balance. (For an interesting article, go here. http://gizmodo.com/5372268/microsofts-anechoic-chamber-the-place-where-sound-goes-to-die)

Not long after I read about anechoic chambers I began to dwell on the spiritual implications of sensory perception vs. reality –or- our natural ability to perceive “reality” vs. our spiritual eyes’ capacity to recognize a “God-reality.” This has really stirred me up because, like everyone, there are situations in my life where this corporeal flesh of mine can take one look and doubt, panic, and bone-terror begin to captivate me…But, when I’m still and know, that HE is GOD, that he’ll never leave me (Hebrews 13:5), that he has my best in mind (Jeremiah 29: 11), and that my destiny in his kingdom is unlimited by and will likely supersede my circumstances (Story of Joseph in Genesis 37-), then my spirit is unrestricted and can begin to grasp the awesome way that destiny and purpose can unfold in God’s Kingdom. I become frustrated with myself and ashamed when I find myself doing what I can’t stand to be done to me to God…trying to shove his unfathomably, incomprehensibly creative and good nature into a box fashioned in the limited dimensions of my understanding. And; yet, when I, in shame and defeat, finally surrender myself to the knowledge that I am unable to on-hands-and-knees or with the feebleness of my natural perceptions find my way out of my circumstances, it is then that I call out to Papa God and he begins to allow me to see through his eyes the “God-reality” and boundless possibilities that abound in realms beyond my perception. That is when I take his offered hand and he leads me from the chamber/circumstances that held me captive.

The more beautiful telling of this story is one that I am beginning to experience in my own life, one in which I, with eyes wide-open, walk into the chamber with an open-expectation, fascination, and an eagerness for whatever God-inspired events/behavior/purposes emerge…where I am able to fully trust from entrance to exit that God’s purposes will be fulfilled within me and within his Kingdom.

With such boundless expectations and an inner-resolve to be stretched beyond our limited perceptions, it is enormously awe-inspiring to imagine the possibilities!

Secretly being Liberal, ahem, I mean Progressive...

I rarely mention politics because it can get ugly fast and rarely makes any friends. However, if you can step out of your opinions/convictions for just a second and just laugh at some of the truths in this blog, I think you'll enjoy it...don't agree or disagree, just be amused...

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/07/secretly-being-liberal/

And my fave comment...

I'm somewhat more conservative than liberal, although I certainly listen to NPR (except Ira Glass, his voice is like a freshman at a college radio station) and am sick of the culture war politics and right-wing talk radio is only rivaled in annoyingness by Sojo ;)

Still, here's a few things I noticed Liberal Evangelicals like (and I like some of these too, I'll happily admit). ... See More

- Saying "God is not a Republican," conceding to add "nor a Democrat" if pushed.
- Begrudgingly admitting that Bush did a stellar job with his AIDS initiatives in Africa.
- Jim Wallis
- Watching Fox News, Complaining about Fox News
- Derek Webb
- Social Justice, endlessly arguing about exactly what "Social Justice" is.
- Begrudgingly admitting that Rick Warren's got a good sense of missions and social justice
- Thinking about being Catholic up until the point they talk about celibacy and birth control.
- Billy Graham (because he's a Democrat, and he seems to like all the Presidents equally)
- Portraying Mormon Glen Beck, Catholic Sean Hannity, and lapsed mainliner Rush Limbaugh as representatives of conservative Evangelicalism.
- Bono
- Francis Collins (me, too -- he rocks! Yay for Obama for nominating him.)

'Nuff Said...

I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law (wo)man" so that I could be God's (wo)man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
---Galatians 2:19-21

I will persevere...

"It's not enough to have a dream unless I'm willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right unless I'm strong enough to do it. It's not enough to join the crowd, to be acknowledged and accepted. I must be true to my ideals, even if I'm excluded and rejected. It's not enough to learn the truth unless I also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love unless I care enough to give it."-Anonymous

Do you ever feel completely peerless? I sure do. Especially lately...I've been feeling really disconnected. I have always been a person with a thousand acquaintances and very few close friends; but, recently, even my few close relationships feel more distant and obscured. I know that a lot of it is the season of life that I am in. Raising toddlers keeps you at a disadvantage socially and relationally...goodness, even my husband and I don't get the time together we'd like. Many of my closest friends are hundreds of miles away; however, it seems to be a little more than that. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't become a bit jaded in friendships, I am more suspecting of people's motives and more cautious in the sharing of the intimacies of close friendships such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and the degree of honesty or openness.
I can't tell you the number of times in my life I've heard, "Don't you ever slow down? Do you over-analyze everything? Don't you know how to have fun? Do you ever put down the books, newspaper, dictionary, etc.? Don't you ever quit being serious?" And while I know these people weren't friends and failed to understand the uniqueness the Father gave me, their voices still echo somewhere in my mind and make me wonder if those are the reasons I'm in this place in my life. It's really ridiculous the depths to which people/the enemy will stoop to destroy a person. So, while I know that people reject what they don't understand and that the greatest challenge for people is relating to what's different, I still struggle with this inner dialogue.
It's strange, though, that I don't feel these things with God right now, I actually feel closer to Him than ever. Makes me feel like I'm having my own Island of Patmos experience (Patmos is where the apostle John was exiled and ended up writing his contributions to the New Testament). So, while there is a certain degree of loneliness in my life, I don't feel all alone...just peerless. I have my husband, I have mentors, teachers, and, most importantly, my heavenly Father. I don't mean to diminish the awesomeness of these relationships or the gratefulness I have for them, I'm just craving some good old-fashioned girl time. Does that make me shallow? Doubtfully.
I haven't found an immediate solution to these feelings, issues, whatever you want to call them, I've just found that I know that there is a purpose being served during this season. I think I'm learning to accept the unique character, personality traits and giftings my Father gave me. I'm redefining myself in Him and for the purpose of His kingdom instead of the box people are always trying, and failing, to shove me into. And I am learning, learning, learning about authenticity, truth, and what it means to REALLY love people! So these things encourage me along with some other more personal, yet God-directed, pursuits. I am determined to get past my insecurities and fear of failure. And I will persevere...




I am not one for super hard-core rock very often at all. The lyrics to this song grabbed me...even if they may not suit me perfectly, I know they must someone.

Hatebreed's "Perseverance" Lyrics

I know your fear of loss
And your struggles with faith
And how it takes everything that you have to face the day
The virtues you possess now bring you eternal pain
All you have is contempt for a life you can't obtain
All your heroes have failed you
Yet you try and prevail
Face your torment and dismantle your doubt
Refuse this legacy of shame and deceit
Cause the only real truth in your life that you know is hostility

Your world is coming apart
Remain steadfast

Perseverance
Against all opposition
Crushing all limitations
Pure strength through solitude
Discipline and determination

You can't accept what you've been told
Anchored in sin you must reverse your descent
Declare the weight of the world has yet to claim you
And admit that your faults will not restrain you
Glimpses of fate bring light to your despair
Realise hope isn't short of your grasp
Resurrect every dream that you've buried alive
And never succumb to the war that you fight in your heart

Your world is coming apart
Remain steadfast

Perseverance
Against all opposition
Crushing all limitations
Pure strength through solitude
Discipline and determination

The Keeper

I've been digging through some of my old writings...looking for something specific (which I still haven't found because I'm easily distracted by all the other things...such as old radio ads I wrote and voiced, essays from high school and college, and even some old notes passed in class, etc.). I did find this; however, and I am astounded that even at the tender age of sixteen I had a passion for love over correction/judgment. I think I've always resented someone who'd rather serve as God's police officer rather than an on-staff doctor/healer. And I know I've always celebrated people who love to celebrate others. That's probably why I was attracted to the teachers I admired in school...their characters tended toward encouragement, inspiration, and nurturing vs. constant correction or disappointment...But, I digress. I hope you enjoy this poem from 16 yr. old Beth.



May 9, 1999

The Keeper

Gentle creature of an endearing kind,
flutters through the spacious blue sky.
Grace surrounds it, an aura of light,
the colors of dawn trace its flight.
In a field of colorful jewels it lands,
and the petal on which it rests never bends.
I sit there content to watch it rest,
and with a certain thought my mind is pressed.
"Such a beautiful creature of sweet perfection
was not always so," says my mind in correction.
An unattractive creature it once was,
slow, clumsy, and covered with fuzz.
But when the time of its adolescence ended,
out of a cocoon came the creature God intended.
"From a sluggish creature to one full of grace."
I thought with understanding shown on my face.
So many people are much like this small wonder
but others on that thought do not often ponder.
They dismiss these potentially beautiful beings,
without thought and blinded to what the Creator is seeing.
An unfinished masterpiece into a work of art;
but, instead, they ignore the call of His heart.
I look up to see it flutter away,
but with my thoughts I am content to stay.
What a tragedy to see such a creature leave,
yet renewed in my heart is a purpose so deep.
I do not wish to impede a life of such beauty
for to see to their protection is my God-given duty.
With a purpose in my heart I up and stroll away.
feeling a paradigm shift has occurred on this day.
Yet I ask, "Will I fail in my purpose and can I succeed,
and will you help me and begin to plant a small seed.
Let not one creature whose season of change has not come
be discouraged or defeated by those whose hearts are numb.
Encourage and protect these undeveloped creatures.
Be their support, their mentors, and their teachers.
For one day when you briefly glance away
a nearly divine transformation will take place.
That sluggish creature and seeming object of duty,
will become a gloriously wing-ed beauty.
And, freely, it too will fly away,
and there will be no sorrow felt on that day.
For you were its keeper in its time of need,
and your joy will be full for you planted the seed."

Garage-Kept

Today I was thinking about how many of my friends consider themselves to have a relationship with God and yet they choose not to attend a church. I get that, I really do, because I understand the politics, the drama, and the overall ritualistic nature of the church scene that can make such a commitment feel like an empty and pointless pursuit. I’ve heard thousands of excuses and added a few of my own to the mix at some points in my life. I also was thinking about the church crowd and how very many of them are nothing more than pew warmers putting in their time so they can give themselves a pat on the back for being a good “Christian” boy or girl and then leave toting with them an attitude of superiority and a lifestyle of hypocrisy.

We’ve all heard said that going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you a car, and I’ll agree with that. I’d like to take this analogy a little further; however, and say that most of us would also agree that a garage-kept car is in much better shape than one who that is continuously facing the elements and rarely sees TLC from its owner or a professional mechanic. So, while there are cars that become nothing more than show pieces only occasionally rolling out of their garages to grace us with their magnificence and looking down at us from their sleek and shiny frames and all the while getting the same bug guts all cars get caught in their grills, there are also the cars that are never given shelter from the grueling heat or cold, who have enjoyed no respite from the miles and miles that they’ve traveled, and do not have anyone who cares enough to give their gears an oiling or their engines a tune-up. Neither car is enjoying its purpose to its fullest potential, one is mostly leisure-driven and ineffectual and the other may run just fine in the beginning yet will not last over time.

The best-running car is one that is garage kept but puts in its miles. It is babied with regular fluid fills and its gears are soothed with oil. It has regular visits with its mechanic and it takes its tune-ups like a champ. It gives and has been given jumps from a fellow vehicle. It has someone cares enough to scrub off the road dirt, change the tires, and even occasionally point out and help remove the bug guts. This car will stand the test of time…no matter its make, model, or year.

The most effective and flourishing Christian is one that has found themselves a good fit church-wise (keep in mind, there are no perfect people on this planet and that means no perfect churches, pastors, or church members…even the best of friends, coworkers, and family members experience points of contention, personality conflicts, and even the occasional falling-out) and becomes faithful to participate and to give of themselves to learn, grow, and help others, in and out of the church, to do the same. This Christian knits themselves with a few honest and caring individuals who will support them in the tough times that come in life, who will pour words of comfort and love over their aches, and who can give wisdom, understanding, agreement in prayer, and have a knowledge of God’s word and His heart. This Christian also receives “tune-ups” from his friends and leaders like a champ. Tune-ups refer to any sort of correction, redirection, or challenge issued in love for the betterment of the Christian and the Kingdom of God. This Christian is a life-giver and gives as good as he/she gets in the most positive of ways!

(Remember that every person who walks into a mechanic’s place cannot work on a car, not every employee will work on your car when you leave it, and the head mechanic may only delegate the work so that all cars can be tended to…it is an unrealistic expectation to believe that you can seek help, close friendships, counsel, and/or support from every member or leader in your church. A pastor is only one person and cannot possibly attend every momentous life event of every member and their immediate family’s lives, he is not perfect, or without sin…go ahead and accept this and it will save you and him/her a lot of heartache. Another disclaimer that should come on the bottom of church membership cards is that you will get hurt, and you will be offended. If you rationalize that there are only 4 or so people in the average American family and the dynamics of that people group alone are enough to keep psychiatrists, psychologists, pastors, counselors, social workers, etc. in business until the end of time, then imagine a group of 50+ people joined together sharing life’s sorrows, joys, and celebrating, learning, and teaching one another about the most vital and important relationship we will know, our relationship with God. There will be conflict, there will be tears, there will be pain…but if you can accept that and move on to making a commitment to working through those things there will be resolution, redemption, healing, and GROWTH. If you really live connected to the Father within those relationships, there will also be JOY, unspeakable and full of GLORY!)

This Christian understands that we are relational and we thrive when we are empowered by one another. This Christian understands that we were not meant to do life or Christianity alone and that church was designed to bring Christians together to spur one another on, to sharpen one another, and to hold one another accountable. This Christian knows that he needs the fellowship, teaching, “tune-ups,” encouragement, and support that coming together regularly (aka Church) brings. This Christian will stand the test of time…no matter their social class, their family history, their looks, their education, their gifting, or their age.

This “Garage-Kept” Christian will stand the test of time!

Why blog? Because words are powerful...

Words are powerful. My favorite book, the only book to be made flesh, says that there are life and death in the power of the tongue. So, I don't take blogging, writing, or any words from my mouth lightly. I make an effort to ensure that every word I speak over my marriage, children, and future is positive and life-giving…though humor, sarcasm, and even complete nonsense have their place. Although, I have a tendency for humor that lets me laugh for a minute but leaves me thinking for much longer.

I described myself recently to a friend as being motivated by the Holy Spirit and God's creativity; infected with a passion for big dreams and fresh vision; and not the least bit concerned with what's traditional, with dead rituals, or the latest religious fear tactic. I am driven by a passion for the kingdom of God, uncompromising in my Faith and my relentless pursuit of Truth (with a capital 'T') and by a fierce need to see Christians reflecting God’s love to the world...this occasionally leads to some friction between myself and others. And I remain unapologetic concerning my faith; yet; I pray that you feel that I've considered your view and treated you with the respect you deserve.

My prayer is that in your reading something that I have written it will resound within you and bring you closer to our Father (the way, truth, and life.) I can't bear the thought of your living without the love that is beyond all comparison and the joy that supersedes all circumstances...This is bigger than me and much more than pretty words, this is reality and the most unbelievable of dreams made real.

I pray you'll see that my life is a testimony to that...

"I'm a people."

So, sometimes I just feel the need to make someone smile. And today is one of those days...So, I'm going to share a conversation my daughter and I had this morning. Grace is one of those kids who was blessed with taste buds for healthy things...she loves nearly every vegetable, she doesn't like a lot of calorific pastas or potatoes, and she loves the lean meants. She recently decided, however, that she no longer cared for lettuce. She has been refusing it on tacos, won't eat salads, and doesn't want it on her sandwiches. So, this morning I asked her why she no longer liked it. And she replied, "Lettuce is just Grass, Mommy. I'm not a cow. I'm a people."

Kid logic, gotta love it!

Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It's the furthest thing from wisdom—it's animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats.

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

I wish I could take credit for these wise words but I cannot. These words are straight out of the Bible (specifically, The Message translation) from James 3: 13-18. God is working something in me right now...learning from my own stupid actions and the unfair treatment of others towards me has been a painful process in the last couple of months. My hearts cry is to not be a prideful, arrogant know-it-all and refuse to bend...or possibly break...with this new wind that is blowing through my life (the wind blows away the chaff, after all). I remind myself that when I ask God to give me His heart, to teach me His ways, to grow me to a greater measure of faith that what I'm really asking for are opportunities to test myself in each of these areas. And, because I want to go deeper and deeper still, I have to accept that the situations I face may break my heart a little, test my compassion a lot, and bring outrageous blows to my pride. And, instead of whining and pouting, and asking why me? (stomp, stomp), I have to draw on my Father's strength to respond to people with gentleness and reason and to be overflowing with mercy and blessings even when they would love nothing better than to see me flat on my rear! That, in itself, is a lesson in humility. I thank God for the gift He gave me to use words, but if my heart is not pure, humble, and full of wisdom what use is my tongue (or typing fingers, for that matter)???

I want a beautiful life and I want to leave a legacy of righteousness and prosperity to my children...but this may well be one of the most costly endeavors of my life, leastways costly to my flesh (flesh is religious speak for the earthly, weaker, baser part of what makes a person vs. the spirit which is superior OR, for comparison, the flesh is more ignorant and frail compared to the possiblities of our spiritual nature).

Proverbs 4: 3 tells this little story, "When I was a boy at my father's knee, the pride and joy of my mother, He would sit me down and drill me: "Take this to heart. Do what I tell you—live! Sell everything and buy Wisdom! Forage for Understanding! Don't forget one word! Don't deviate an inch! Never walk away from Wisdom—she guards your life; love her—she keeps her eye on you. Above all and before all, do this: Get Wisdom! Write this at the top of your list: Get Understanding! Throw your arms around her—believe me, you won't regret it; never let her go—she'll make your life glorious. She'll garland your life with grace, she'll festoon your days with beauty."

I don't want to be one of those people who boasts the wisdom I have, which is usually precious little, while twisting the truth to suit my own selfish purposes. And while I have faulted some others with this nastiness lately, I have come to realize that we all are guilty of this at some point. Including myself, (A little lower, Lord, and lower still ;) And because I desire to be better than this (without the mean-spirited ambition mentioned above) I have resigned myself to the fact that it is going to take a mad and relentless pursuit of my Father through the trials of life to GET WISDOM and compassion, humility, and all other manner of good things.

And yet another thing that God is teaching me is how to use wisdom in ministry...for while it is wonderful to have applicable wisdom at use in your own life, it is another thing altogether to know when to share that and how. Proverbs 9: 7 says, "If you reason with an arrogant cynic, you'll get slapped in the face; confront bad behavior and get a kick in the shins. So don't waste your time on a scoffer; all you'll get for your pains is abuse. But if you correct those who care about life, that's different—they'll love you for it! Save your breath for the wise—they'll be wiser for it; tell good people what you know—they'll profit from it. Skilled living gets its start in the Fear-of-God, insight into life from knowing a Holy God. It's through me, Lady Wisdom, that your life deepens, and the years of your life ripen. Live wisely and wisdom will permeate your life; mock life and life will mock you." This is one that I still haven't grasped (I've been slapped and kicked in the shins lately...lol) except to know that I never want to be a scoffer myself and want those with more wisdom than me, in whatever area of life, to pour into me! Thanks to my recent pourers!!! I LOVE you! Keep pouring!

It is a misconception that wisdom is gained through age and experience...because we all know people who continue to make the same stupid mistake over and over, no matter their age...wisdom is gained through the insight that the Father gives to His children who diligently seek Him (through time with Him in prayer and in His word). So, I know that my continued efforts will be made in prayer and in reading God's word...and gleaning from those God has placed in my life. I also know that I will continue to face challenges and growing pains...that I will still occassionally be kicked in the shins and slapped...that the more Godly wisdom I get, the more unpopular with some I may become and the harder it may be for me to swallow..But that these things are necessary for the work God is doing in me!

I shared this with you so that you will keep me lifted in prayer and also to encourage you to not grow weary in your own quest for Godly wisdom. I know (gosh, do I know!) that growing in wisdom and faith can be painful; but, with all that I have in me, I know it is worth it. One final happy thought 1 Corinthians 2: 6
"We, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it's not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. The experts of our day haven't a clue about what this eternal plan is. If they had, they wouldn't have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. That's why we have this Scripture text: No one's ever seen or heard anything like this, Never so much as imagined anything quite like it— What God has arranged for those who love him. But you've seen and heard it because God by his Spirit has brought it all out into the open before you."

We cannot even imagine what things God has in store for us!!!

Two thoughts for this day...

The following was actually written Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 9:37pm

1. "How enlightened is wearing God like some do Versace?” ~Vanna Bonta

Don't wear Christianity like a proud woman boasting a high-end label, get a relationship and share it with others! We are ambassadors representing the most powerful Kingdom in the universe and sometimes I think we missed our briefing on how to conduct ourselves among and connect with the local culture and customs! You've heard it said 1000X..."We're the only Jesus the world sees!" And right now the identity we're presenting to a world in need is very duplicitous...We say He loves unconditionally and we hold back from those WE deem unworthy, we say we are ALL created in His image (the MOST powerfully masterful Creator and the Father of all invention) and then we look down our noses at the "secular" world's humble and, at times, misguided attempts to create from the depths of their searching and lost souls, we say He wants us to 'Love one another as He loved us'' and "Christians" are among the first to ostracize and judge (even their own brothers and sisters). God called us to encourage one another, share His love, and be a light in the darkness; but I keep seeing Christians walking around looking at the world with a glass-half-empty mentality and looking down from their all-so-superior place of righteousness just like the pharisees! We've all fallen short, so give a hand to a fellow brother or sister! Quit judging and start loving, quit demeaning and start encouraging, quit letting jealousy rule your heart and start rejoicing with God's children in their triumphs, and quit avoiding what challenges you and start embracing the opportunity to grow! I'm enthusiastic to embrace such a lifestyle; but, most importantly, I'm enthusiastic to embrace YOU! ;D No qualifiers and no strings!!!

&

2. “While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, another is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.”~Henry C. Link

Life's messy and full of humbling moments (just read about Peter, David, Saul, etc.) but that's when you know you're doing it right! In the frequently spoken words of one of my fave men of God "Keep on keepin' on"...Don't fret over your mistakes and keep pressing forward! One great book I read said, "run with patience the race set before you." You'll get there!
"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" Hebrews 12: 1-3 (The Message)
Remember!!! We're not competing, we're running together!

Our deepest fear...

My creating a blog coincides with a new chapter of my life. I want to capture my newest journey in this weblog as a testimony to the workings of God in my life and share it with those interested as an example of the

failings, struggles, insecurities,

successes, triumphs, victories,

fear, faults, pain

love, joy, and gain

that make up every believers life, including my own. This "new chapter" has begun with embracing myself, as I am and how I was created to be, and my own unique destiny. God has plans for my life and up until now I have allowed so much to hold me back; but, no more!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people will not feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically delivers others." Nelson Mandela

I have realized that in holding myself back and not pursuing my destiny in the Kingdom of God I haven't been helping others to feel less intimidated by or insecure around me; I didn't gain any new friends during the dark period of my life where I behaved like everyone else, dumbed down my vocabulary, dressed more plainly, and tossed my dreams and identity out the proverbial window; and I wasn't fulfilled and, more importantly, neither was anyone around me. And, although, I have been out of those dark days for some time now, I hadn't fully stepped into something more. I've been in the 'gray exile' that David referred to in Psalm 51:12-13. And just like he cried then, my cry is, "Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home!"

Recently, I have dug those long-buried dreams out of me like a diamond miner in a deep quarry. And, in the fashion of the universe's greatest altruist, God is giving me opportunity after opportunity to make these dreams possible in my life. The ministry I am involved in (Frontline Ministries) has just moved to a town full of 'rebels' looking for their way home and my heart is so burdened for these people. I am also playing the Keyboard/Piano in our Praise Band and I continue to leap past the fear of failure/judgment and into the heart of worship where it's all about encountering my heavenly Father. The relationship my Husband and I share continues to bless me and amaze me on a daily basis, I really never dreamed of this kind of love as hokey as that may sound to even my own ears. Motherhood is a constant challenge that is frightening and liberating all at once...my relationship with my children astounds me and my fierce love for them helps me to understand my Father in a way I never did before them. I have ongoing dreams for my family and new ones I am discovering along the way. But, perhaps the greatest and most humbling dream I have is only in it's very beginning stages...and that is writing. I know that God's timing is everything and that at this season in my life, with two very energetic and curious toddler's in tow, the 4 novels I have outlined are probably not going to be written out for some time yet. And, yet, what is wrong with the very thing I am doing at this minute...I have seen more fruit from blogging than almost anything else I have ever done. So, it's a start...

This is me, Beth Crowe, the flawed and nasty parts; but, also, the God-inspired and fearfully & wonderfully made parts. Matthew 5: 14-16 says this, "We are here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in this world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill...Keep open house; be generous with your lives." So, as I am open with my life and share with you the wondrous relationship I share with the Creator of All and the Lover of My Soul, I hope you can embrace a more authentic version of me and that you will strive for the same in your own life, as well.

I close my first official blog with a quote from one of my favorite authors and a few questions for you.

"When you are being your authentic self, animated by the joy of God-connection, and someone fails to receive you, don't think that you 'failed the test.' Perhaps those who rejected you failed the test that heaven was giving them." Perrianne Brownback

So I ask you, are you allowing fear of rejection, fear of failure, or fear of your light to hold you back from the unique destiny God has for you? Do you have dreams that you have buried in a hardened quarry of your heart that you need to dig out? And are you willing to embrace an authentic version of you?