It's important for me to relate to you how very much I like to feel like I have some control over the direction my life takes...I like order, I like to make plans, I like lists with checkmarks. My niece just discovered that I was a student who color-coded by subject down to the highlighter used in my textbook and notes and purchased me a 10 count package of highlighters in a rainbow of colors. :D I was "one of those" with a 10-yr. plan fresh out of high school and had a fair idea of exactly what my life would look like the day I turned 30. ROFL!!! Well, it would have been about 7 yrs. ago that all of those best-laid plans began to come unraveled and me with them. I've come through it, however, and have been delivered from some of those captive mindsets that motivated my over-industrious habits and control-freakiness. Yet, like the Hebrews freshly sprung from the clutches of the Egyptians, I've found myself in a wilderness season of life. And, sad to say, like the Hebrews, I've found myself stomping my feet and pouting about how at least in that former season of my life I knew what I would eat and drink, etc. Or, more accurately, at least in that season of my life I felt some purpose in, understanding of, and direction for my life (misguided as it may have been). Silly, huh? Well, I came to that realization myself a while ago and have embraced whatever it may be that God has planned for me. Nevertheless, here I sit in the wilderness having become very impatient for the promised land...
So, I've caught you up on how I've been feeling lately (i.e. stuck in the wilderness still believing God for whatever's next...waiting, praying, believing...but, because of so many recent disappoinments, not really hoping.) Then, this morning, I'm in church and this gentleman, a pastor, stands up with one of those things that totally scare spit-less the un-churched and still challenge some circles within the church...he begins to prophesy. He says and I'm paraphrasing with liberties, "There are some of you here today who are believing, and I mean, really believing for things in your life...dreams tucked deep away in your hearts. You believe that God is able, You believe that God placed them inside of you and that He can bring them to fruition. But you're in pain with it...because you've lost something vital. You're believing but you're not expecting. You've lost your expecation because of so many disappointments. And now you won't let yourself expect because it hurts too much and you don't want to be let down again. But God wants to tell you and your heart today to continue to believe but also to EXPECT and that those things, those dreams, that you are believing for will come to pass..." It was a moment of indecent exposure of the heart for me...LOL...let me tell you what I mean by that. Have you ever been in one of the various states of undress and the phone rings but, without thinking, you go ahead and answer it? But, while talking, your, ahem, various state of undress begins to make you feel uncomfortable because the longer the conversation goes on the more aware of it you become even though the person on the other end can have no idea? Well, indulge me a moment, then (even if I'm the only one who's jumped out of the shower to answer the phone). As the Pastor talked the more "naked" my heart felt until I was almost paranoid that those around me could see through me to the state of my heart at that moment. All of my newly-awakened dreams just haven't found purchase and it's like I've caught heart flu...(graphic mental picture of a snot covered, cold sore infested, fever-y, achey heart...not pleasant). So, service moved on...good message on fear, and good fellowship after but God's voice was still and small resonating in my sick heart because there's nowhere that he refuses to show up and nothing too gross, too sick, or too dark that he cannot diffuse with his light. "Hope deferred..." he said over and over...strangely familiar phrase but I just couldn't place it...
So, after lunch and while my youngest is settled down for a nap I do what every tech-savvy American girl does when she has a phrase or question caught in the framework of her heart and mind, I googled it. :) And, lo and behold, I get this...
Proverbs 13:12 (New International Version)
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Extremely relevant...and coupled with the prophecy it's a promise that as I continue to expect my longing to be fulfilled I will experience that tree of life or (as The Message puts it) my life turned around. I wish I could say that I just took that word, felt my heart miraculously cured, and went on my merry way to slay the dragons of disappointment, defeat, and discouragement...but, no, I felt uplifted but still inhibited by all of the chaos and disappointments taking place in this very moment of my life. My life still feels as though it's spinning out of control and that I have no clarity for my future....It wasn't until I was listening to some Suzy Yaraei worship music and 'surfing' that I came across an article and felt the beginnings of release and hope springing up out of my heart like the tender leaves that poke through the spring dirt.
SUMMARY
Scientists in France and at the University of Ohio have made theoretical advance in atomic behavior that could lead to sharper images on MRI's. Nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR) and it's medical version, MRI, show what the inside of an object looks like by detecting tiny atoms that act like magnets. Inside the machine's strong magnetic field, atoms align according to north and south magnetic poles, spinning and precessing like tiny tops. Each type of atom broadcasts its identity by emitting a unique radio frequency.
NMR can reveal the structure of individual molecules. But pictures of complex objects, like the human brain, often lack detail, because whenever atoms happen to broadcast in opposite directions, they cancel each other out of the final image.
So, to boost NMR resolution, scientists routinely perform a certain type of experiment that keeps the spins of atoms under very strict control. They refer to such experiments as adiabatic. However, the atoms in the experiments don't always behave as the scientist's intended them to in this intensely controlled environment. Instead, it seems that although the experiment yields good results, the atoms seem to fly out of control.
However, after further research, it was discovered that the atoms were not spinning out of control they were just moving in a way outside of the commonly accepted adiabatic theory. This "super-adiabaticity" is what was responsible for yielding good results without the usual and predictable paths...Furthermore, scientists are discovering through complex mathematical computations and 3-D charting that the "out of control" spinning atom is actually following a very carefully designed path.
"With super-adiabaticity, the atoms follow a different -- sometimes, wildly different -- path, but still end up at the right destination."
Scientists hope to use the charting of super-adiabaticity and to incorporate the algorithm into software for controlling NMR and MRI measurements, where it might boost image resolution.
So, my conclusion from that article is really rather short and concise...I'm not spinning out of control. And this wildly different path I'm on will end up at the right destination...and, better yet,the end result will be a boosted image resolution...a clearer picture of who my God is and who He is making me to be within his kingdom.
So maybe the path of my life is "super-adiabastic" and I'm coming unraveled. :D
But I'm thankful...
And it's good...
Because I know that in the midst of the unraveling God is threading my life into a marvelous tapestry that it will, like all good tapestries do, tell a story...A story of an unlikely woman with a dream who believed and HOPED! And, God, who loves her (and you, not incidentally), was faithful as he promised...
And, if you can relate, Friend, I hope this shared chapter in the story of this unlikely woman can encourage you...keep hoping...
.........................................................Celtic Tree of Life Tapestry
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