Do you ever feel completely peerless? I sure do. Especially lately...I've been feeling really disconnected. I have always been a person with a thousand acquaintances and very few close friends; but, recently, even my few close relationships feel more distant and obscured. I know that a lot of it is the season of life that I am in. Raising toddlers keeps you at a disadvantage socially and relationally...goodness, even my husband and I don't get the time together we'd like. Many of my closest friends are hundreds of miles away; however, it seems to be a little more than that. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't become a bit jaded in friendships, I am more suspecting of people's motives and more cautious in the sharing of the intimacies of close friendships such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and the degree of honesty or openness.
I can't tell you the number of times in my life I've heard, "Don't you ever slow down? Do you over-analyze everything? Don't you know how to have fun? Do you ever put down the books, newspaper, dictionary, etc.? Don't you ever quit being serious?" And while I know these people weren't friends and failed to understand the uniqueness the Father gave me, their voices still echo somewhere in my mind and make me wonder if those are the reasons I'm in this place in my life. It's really ridiculous the depths to which people/the enemy will stoop to destroy a person. So, while I know that people reject what they don't understand and that the greatest challenge for people is relating to what's different, I still struggle with this inner dialogue.
It's strange, though, that I don't feel these things with God right now, I actually feel closer to Him than ever. Makes me feel like I'm having my own Island of Patmos experience (Patmos is where the apostle John was exiled and ended up writing his contributions to the New Testament). So, while there is a certain degree of loneliness in my life, I don't feel all alone...just peerless. I have my husband, I have mentors, teachers, and, most importantly, my heavenly Father. I don't mean to diminish the awesomeness of these relationships or the gratefulness I have for them, I'm just craving some good old-fashioned girl time. Does that make me shallow? Doubtfully.
I haven't found an immediate solution to these feelings, issues, whatever you want to call them, I've just found that I know that there is a purpose being served during this season. I think I'm learning to accept the unique character, personality traits and giftings my Father gave me. I'm redefining myself in Him and for the purpose of His kingdom instead of the box people are always trying, and failing, to shove me into. And I am learning, learning, learning about authenticity, truth, and what it means to REALLY love people! So these things encourage me along with some other more personal, yet God-directed, pursuits. I am determined to get past my insecurities and fear of failure. And I will persevere...
I am not one for super hard-core rock very often at all. The lyrics to this song grabbed me...even if they may not suit me perfectly, I know they must someone.
Hatebreed's "Perseverance" Lyrics
I know your fear of loss
And your struggles with faith
And how it takes everything that you have to face the day
The virtues you possess now bring you eternal pain
All you have is contempt for a life you can't obtain
All your heroes have failed you
Yet you try and prevail
Face your torment and dismantle your doubt
Refuse this legacy of shame and deceit
Cause the only real truth in your life that you know is hostility
Your world is coming apart
Remain steadfast
Perseverance
Against all opposition
Crushing all limitations
Pure strength through solitude
Discipline and determination
You can't accept what you've been told
Anchored in sin you must reverse your descent
Declare the weight of the world has yet to claim you
And admit that your faults will not restrain you
Glimpses of fate bring light to your despair
Realise hope isn't short of your grasp
Resurrect every dream that you've buried alive
And never succumb to the war that you fight in your heart
Your world is coming apart
Remain steadfast
Perseverance
Against all opposition
Crushing all limitations
Pure strength through solitude
Discipline and determination
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