Our deepest fear...

My creating a blog coincides with a new chapter of my life. I want to capture my newest journey in this weblog as a testimony to the workings of God in my life and share it with those interested as an example of the

failings, struggles, insecurities,

successes, triumphs, victories,

fear, faults, pain

love, joy, and gain

that make up every believers life, including my own. This "new chapter" has begun with embracing myself, as I am and how I was created to be, and my own unique destiny. God has plans for my life and up until now I have allowed so much to hold me back; but, no more!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people will not feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically delivers others." Nelson Mandela

I have realized that in holding myself back and not pursuing my destiny in the Kingdom of God I haven't been helping others to feel less intimidated by or insecure around me; I didn't gain any new friends during the dark period of my life where I behaved like everyone else, dumbed down my vocabulary, dressed more plainly, and tossed my dreams and identity out the proverbial window; and I wasn't fulfilled and, more importantly, neither was anyone around me. And, although, I have been out of those dark days for some time now, I hadn't fully stepped into something more. I've been in the 'gray exile' that David referred to in Psalm 51:12-13. And just like he cried then, my cry is, "Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home!"

Recently, I have dug those long-buried dreams out of me like a diamond miner in a deep quarry. And, in the fashion of the universe's greatest altruist, God is giving me opportunity after opportunity to make these dreams possible in my life. The ministry I am involved in (Frontline Ministries) has just moved to a town full of 'rebels' looking for their way home and my heart is so burdened for these people. I am also playing the Keyboard/Piano in our Praise Band and I continue to leap past the fear of failure/judgment and into the heart of worship where it's all about encountering my heavenly Father. The relationship my Husband and I share continues to bless me and amaze me on a daily basis, I really never dreamed of this kind of love as hokey as that may sound to even my own ears. Motherhood is a constant challenge that is frightening and liberating all at once...my relationship with my children astounds me and my fierce love for them helps me to understand my Father in a way I never did before them. I have ongoing dreams for my family and new ones I am discovering along the way. But, perhaps the greatest and most humbling dream I have is only in it's very beginning stages...and that is writing. I know that God's timing is everything and that at this season in my life, with two very energetic and curious toddler's in tow, the 4 novels I have outlined are probably not going to be written out for some time yet. And, yet, what is wrong with the very thing I am doing at this minute...I have seen more fruit from blogging than almost anything else I have ever done. So, it's a start...

This is me, Beth Crowe, the flawed and nasty parts; but, also, the God-inspired and fearfully & wonderfully made parts. Matthew 5: 14-16 says this, "We are here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in this world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill...Keep open house; be generous with your lives." So, as I am open with my life and share with you the wondrous relationship I share with the Creator of All and the Lover of My Soul, I hope you can embrace a more authentic version of me and that you will strive for the same in your own life, as well.

I close my first official blog with a quote from one of my favorite authors and a few questions for you.

"When you are being your authentic self, animated by the joy of God-connection, and someone fails to receive you, don't think that you 'failed the test.' Perhaps those who rejected you failed the test that heaven was giving them." Perrianne Brownback

So I ask you, are you allowing fear of rejection, fear of failure, or fear of your light to hold you back from the unique destiny God has for you? Do you have dreams that you have buried in a hardened quarry of your heart that you need to dig out? And are you willing to embrace an authentic version of you?