Deep Waters (A Worship Poem)

Make me as a lake, Father God
With waters running deep, wide, and calm.
Let my composition be balanced and pure
Free of the pollution that does obscure.
It is You alone that I desire above all others.
And so it is I want to be made like deep waters.

I want to reflect Your glory like sheets of sparkling glass
and the radiance of Your worth which nothing can surpass
I want my worship to fall like sweet rain at your feet
and to rise up like vapors from the very depths of me.
For Your love alone You deserve more than I can give
But It’s for Your love alone that I will always live

So draw from this body every drop I was made to give
and pour into me all that You are so I can do it over again
I want my every molecule permeated with Your grace
So that those who look upon me will only see Your face.
I want my every ebb and flow to be directed by You alone
So those who choose to follow it will be led to Your throne.

Make me as a lake, Father God
With Waters running deep, wide, and calm.
Let me overflow with Your love and scandalous compassion
Eroding the hardness of hearts and stirring up a passion
For You alone should be desired above all others
And so it is I want to see the world like deep waters.

"The Way to do is to be." --Lao-Tzu

I recently read this quote—which I had heard before but had not given its due attention –in a book by Joseph Jaworski about the “Inner Path of Leadership” titled “Synchronicity.” The premise of the book is beautifully given by Peter Senge in the introduction who first recognizes the groundbreaking work of Robert Greenleaf and his authorship of “Servant Leadership” and then goes on to talk about Jaworski’s passion for fundamental shifts of mind from “seeing a world made up of things to seeing a world that’s open and primarily made up of relationships.” The book, while it will never be sanctioned by the Church, has brought to mind the Church nearly the entire time I’ve been reading it (i.e.--Christians as “servant” leaders in our culture seeking relationship over building programs, buildings, and yet another ministry. –AND-- Christians flowing in a natural state of being over constant and fruitless activity…where Christ--a true servant leader--and His love are the pure motivation and we are released into motion by the Holy Spirit and the results are nearly effortless on our part.)

These thoughts both challenged and inspired me. First, they challenged me because I am a performance-oriented person who enjoys “doing” and doesn’t much know what to do with myself when a state of “being” is required. And while my mind fully understands the absolute awesome power of God is unfathomable and that to BE patient in His timing and His will is to BE empowered by Him, I still rationalize and justify busy-ness just to appease myself and the pressure to perform and produce that I allow to haunt me. But, I have no doubt that I am not alone in this and think that it possibly reaches even greater proportions on corporate levels: businesses, organizations, and, yes, churches. So, when my Father placed a book by Bert M. Farias in my hands titled “Soulish Leadership,” I knew my toes would be hurting very soon. It is a “check yourself before you wreck yourself” book and talks about the motivations of a man’s heart…building your own kingdom vs. building God’s kingdom and largely uses Saul and David as examples. It also demonstrates that these two different mindsets are the difference in producing an Ishmael or an Isaac. It prioritizes the Kingdom of God and pursuit of relationship with Him over pursuit of personal or ministry results and glory…which Jaworski would term as “things.” The following passage is the one that personally grabbed me because of my own struggles with desperate attempts to build my dreams over seeking first God’s kingdom and His timing…which inevitably end up in frustration and discouragement, and the worse feeling that comes from having known all the while that I can trust Him to produce what I, in my own strength, cannot.

"Intimacy With God:

One distinct characteristic of this Church age, and a third feature of a soulish church, is the emphasis placed on doing the work of God over being in fellowship with Him, DOING over BEING...We will only do what God had called us to do when we are being what God has called us to be. The BEING must come before the DOING. Our part is to focus first on being a lover of Jesus Christ and a possessor of His holy nature, then spiritual reproduction will be imminent. God will have His way.

When we are truly loving Jesus, our works will be alive, not dead. The grace of God will be activated, and our works will be motivated by LOVE. We will no longer be powerless to produce spiritual results because we will have ceased from our own works. The reason we have the ACTS of the Apostles is because of the great power and great grace that were upon them (Acts 4:33). And such power and grace were upon them because of their great love for Jesus and for each other (Acts 4:32). The power to BE released in them the power to DO." --Bert M. Farias "Soulish Leadership”

And here is where I was inspired, because the above is what author Perrianne Brownback likes to call a “fractal zoom,” a truth that visibly replicates itself at every level…in this case: our personal life, our local church, and, ultimately, the Bride of Christ as a whole. I read a blog this author recently titled “Grace Lived Out” where she gives an intimate account of her own struggles with doing over being.

“I see all this potential but I don’t know how to produce it myself and I have heard the wise man say that the richest place on the planet is the graveyard, due of course to all that buried potential! That just can’t be me, so I must act! Right? Only partly….I must ACT from that place of REST, realizing that I am not posturing myself, but being positioned by Him. I do not have to be a slave of destiny at the expense of Kingdom provision! Destiny is simply my little corner of the Kingdom, and the Kingdom is HIM! How could I take my dreams to my grave if my life is enveloped in Him?”

Yes! Where the power to BE has released her into the power to DO! This is a spiritual law that International Corporate Millionaire, Jaworksi , has seen showing up in all levels of businesses and organizations across the world; that International Missionary and Minister, Farias, has seen demonstrated in churches and ministries across our globe; and, that Author and Pastor, Brownback, has experienced in full while pursuing God and His people through the local churches. And, that I also have witnessed it at work in my own life in pursuit of the dreams that God has given me to fulfill in His kingdom. This repetition can only mean one thing in my mind…that the heart of our Father is calling to people at all levels of “leadership” to BE (rest in his finished work)…BE assured that you can TRUST Him to PRODUCE the results that will fulfill the passions and dreams He strategically placed inside of you to build His kingdom! And then DO these things…Pursue relationship with Him first (become a lover) and cultivate relationship with those He places in our lives (become a builder of HIS kingdom).

And, of course, I leave you with a song/psalm written by David who, above all and in spite of many failures, desired to build God’s kingdom above his own. He knew to check his motivations and the state of his heart before pursuing anything and this was his prayer in Psalm 51.



Create in me a clean heart, oh, God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart, oh, God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away
From thy presence, oh, Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

It's all about love...

"Jesus said it is all about love, but we want to make this Christian life about everything else (Matt. 22: 37-40) We want it to be about rules or spiritual formulas or how we can impress God or win His favor. We have put the Great Commission before the GREAT COMMANDMENT."--Jack Frost





I've been reading a book about really experiencing God's love and sharing it (see above)...as a person who is prone to performance-orientation and who enjoys a good functioning formula, I know how easy it is to fall into just going through the motions of Christianity...DOING all of the right things but not BEING an accurate representation of Christ to the world. God is LOVE...we need to BE LOVE. I know it is far more challenging for me to wake up everyday and love people than it is to follow rules...people hurt you, they misread you, and they pass judgments without knowing your heart BUT that is why continuing to flow from that place in your heart is so important...because that is the only way they can know the LOVE (=GOD) that animates you beyond performance and into the intensely personal and the swirling beauty where authenticity of the spirit dwells.
So what if the truth looks a little tie-dyed and sounds like rock-n-roll?!? I'll take PEACE and LOVE over the starchy robotic living out of "new laws" any day!!!

Have you screwed up your life?

I think at some point in time in everyone’s journey they look around at the scene of their life and ask, “How’d I get here? This isn’t how I planned it…” I think, more often than most times, this is done with feelings of disappointment, regret, and, maybe even, despair. I know I have done it, especially within the last two years. It is difficult to look around at the muck (or the realities) of your life and have it measure up to the ideal path you had laid out in your mind’s eye. I think it is on these occasions where we mistakenly see our lives through a microscope, zooming in through the lens of “our best laid plans”---micro-vision, and miss the scope and magnitude of a vision that encompasses the whole of our life---macro-vision. Micro-vision gives you a very limited perspective of the extent of influence and purpose your life has; Macro-vision is the holistic and almost multi-dimensional view of your life and how it ripples outwards to effect matters outside your limited viewing area. Micro-vision is molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen forming in the atmosphere; Macro-vision is watching cloud formations sweep across the Earth. Micro-vision is small mind anxiety, worry, and concern (legitimate or illegitimate); Macro-vision is Kingdom-minded and perpetuates joy, freedom, and trust in God! But lest I sound as though I’ve got it allllll figured out (BAHAHAHA!), let me tell you how I’m arriving at a Macro-vision view of my life.

I am the 28 yr. old mother of two children, ages 4 and 2; and, I am the wife, for 6 years, to one very pioneering radio/sales man. I have 2 years of college and have just come to the light at the end of the tunnel through five years of financial devastation. I live in the town I grew up in and have a social circle about the size of a dime.---What’s wrong with that, you ask? You sound just like any other ordinary, small- town mother of toddlers who has fallen prey to the economy and bad circumstances…really, Beth, these are the things the average person deals with.---But, now you’ve gone and said it! You called me average…You called me ordinary! One of my favorite actresses gets credit for this quote which I repeated often in my high school and college days, “I don’t want to be ordinary…Ordinary scares me to death.” I wanted to change my community, change my world, and change people’s minds. I wanted to be an International Aids Advocate, work within the United Nations Nuclear Proliferation Council, write the next “War and Peace,” tour with Green Peace, sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” with a group of the world’s best artists at the Grammy’s, and be one of the preferred guests on Oprah and Good Morning America. I did not want to be a local college drop-out statistic, early-married, and sending children to school before my own education was finished. I did not want to learn about student loan deferment, state insurance for my children, and bill collector harassment. These were giant F’s on the report card of my academic soul. These were my micro-vision lenses through which I had been viewing my life and its present circumstances. I kept looking back at decisions I had made, that were “bad” decisions, and despairing over the “what ifs?” I would gravitate from depression and resignation to anger and willfulness…in one of my angry rants with God (the One who takes in all of me), I said, “ I’ve completely screwed up my life!!!” Now hold on to your seats for His reply to me….because as a song from one of my favorite groups says, “(His) anger stays a moment but (His) favor lasts a whole life long.”

God said, “What insufferable conceit! What ego-centric arrogance! You think I, the God of universal restoration and redemption; You think I, the God who is MORE than enough; You think I, the God of LOVE, the love which covers a multitude of sins; You think I, the God of the ages from Adam’s Eden to Jesus’s death and resurrection and even beyond…You THINK I am undone by YOUR mistakes or choices? You really believe that you have stepped beyond me and my om-ni-po-tence (I heard that word like it was sounded-out by a hooked on phonics student)??? So, you have stepped beyond the limits of My grace, have you?”

Believe me when I say, I felt those micro-vision lenses slapped off my face…and silence reverberated to the core of me. God does the spirit version of the “mom tone/look” better than any of us could ever dream of having the skills for…and I just had an epic reprimand. Thoroughly humbled and repentant, I tearfully confessed that I simply did not know what measuring system to use across the dimensions of my life. I confessed that I knew my vision was skewed but even by the teachings I had heard, the standards of prosperity represented, and the proverbs I had read in His word, I still felt like a miserable failure in comparison. So, He answered the way that only my Abba Father does, “My sweet love, Beth, I will show you…Trust me and listen.”

-OR- Be still and know that I am GOD!

Over the next 2 years God began to reveal to me His Kingdom perspective of my life. He began to impart to me, through His word and through the lives of those around me, a revelation of Macroscopic proportions…a vision of “His economy and His fully-resourced Kingdom.” He deposited dynamic people in my life, culture-shaping literature, and a realization of the greatest resource at my disposal…my time. And how I should make use of every spare minute that this season of life has afforded me. He reawakened visions and dreams within me long surrendered to the muck of life. He revealed to me that the truths that about His character and His word that I had allowed to become tainted by petty people and even pettier circumstances. Basically, God has been retrofitting me with my very own macro-vision lenses.

And I’d like to share a few of those lessons/illustrations He has used (is using) with you…if you’ll let me.

Most of us are familiar with GPS and at least a rough idea of how to use it to reach a destination. I heard a woman tell a story about being in the car on a family trip and the stress that her husband’s inattentive driving skills caused her. Her husband was driving in a big city with several lanes of traffic and his exit was coming up on the right. He, of course, was in the FAAAARRRR left lane and needed to start making his way across those lanes of traffic to make his exit. The wife calmly asked, “Honey, don’t you think you should get over?” Then, “Honey, you need to get over. Your exit is coming up on the right.” Then, “You’re going to miss you’re exit! You need to get over now!” Then, “Get over NOW! We’re missing the EXIT!!!” Lastly, “YOU MISSED THE EXIT!!!!” This speaker laughingly joked about her jealousy and loathing of the “GPS Woman” who, after she had just completely lost her cool and yelled at her husband, comes on the car’s speakers in a smooth, beautifully calm voice and says, “Recalculating.”



She related her reaction to the reaction that we ourselves, and maybe those who care about us (or maybe just self-righteously judge us) have, when we miss our turns in life. But, you see, one of my favorite things about technology and one of the biggest reasons I read scientific magazines about new discoveries and the latest inventions is because when I see the creativity of humanity, I get a glimpse of my Father. There are some AMAZING technologies and UBER-CREATIVE artists among us but they pale in comparison to the creativity and ingenuity of The Creator. He is DaVinci to the Nth degree! So, when humanity creates a device that never says, “You can’t get there from here!” and calmly recalculates from our current position to get us to our true destination; I think, “My God can do that better!” Global Positioning Systems have nothing on the Kingdom Positioning System He has in place! The resources of the Holy Spirit make our satellite technology look pitiful in comparison! He does not believe that you “can’t get there from here” or that you’ve finally gone too far. He has recalculations in place for any misstep we might take and we cannot step beyond his restorative power! It may cost you some time or an off-the-beaten-path trek (or not! Read Acts 8 ;) but He can get you there! And will, If you’ll dial into His KPS…



Another lesson that God has been patiently teaching me is one that is the cure for my ‘Disease of the Do-s.’ I am a performance oriented person. If you went to school with me or worked with me on a project, you know this. I need to be productive, to perpetuate progress, and feel as though there are emerging visible results of my efforts. Living in a season of invisibility has challenged me and my thought patterns. Sometimes you may as well be shackled to a stone wall as to be able to get anything done with a 20 lb. infant in your arms. Combine, being a mother of toddlers with some of the challenges I listed above and you have one frustrated go-getter. I can laugh at this moment at the absurdity of feeling limited by what doubles as one of my most precious and enjoyable gifts; but (please don’t judge me here), I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t tell you that motherhood hasn’t always been enjoyable for me. I have often felt caught in a Catch 22…wanting to make myself better to make my children’s futures better but unable to do anything because of lack of resources and wanting to be there for them now. And, I look at all I want for them, for my friends and family, and, ultimately, for God’s kingdom! And I ask God, “What can I do? How can I make something happen? How am I going to be the woman You’ve called me to be?”

My answer came from a very wise lady’s precise and beautiful interpretation of Luke 12: 27 (This Lady is also my favorite author, ask me about her ;)…

“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.”

My own interpretation of her words is that a lily does not despair and worry over how to spring forth as a gorgeous splash across the landscape. A lily feels no need to earn the approval of its creator in order to become beautiful. A lily has within itself, from seed to bloom, a set DNA that perpetuates its “becoming.” And, in due time, it produces its result. We, too, have our own spiritual DNA (our own blue-print of becoming) and no matter how we worry or try to make things happen, our lives will not manifest their “blooms” until the appointed season. And, instead of seeing this as a point of frustration/ limitation, this should bring joy! For, if God has put within us everything we need to become, we can rest in His unfailing love and the finished work of the cross, because He will finish what he has begun! (Phil 1: 6) I am liberated by these promises! Because I don’t have to “do” and despair about my future and how I am going to fashion visible results…I don’t have to drive myself mad prying open doors that haven’t yet been opened to me or be busy trying to earn His favor. I can trust in the designer of exotic blooms! I can trust that He holds my destiny in His hands and that, as long as my heart is pursuing His heart, the dreams and plans He lovingly inspired within me will come to fruition. Because If he cares enough for flowers to pave the way for them to become such stunning masterpieces of creation, how much more does he care for you and I?

These are the lessons of grace that God is teaching me. This is what I hope will inspire your heart as well. Because I know that the covenant that I enjoy with my Father is one that takes me beyond performance and law; past separation and condemnation; and away from a close-minded and micro-vision view of my life. His grace leads me into unconditional love and righteousness through Him (and Him alone); into redemption and restoration; and gives me eyes to see the outrageous capacity of His power to exponentially increase the significance of my seemingly small existence. He is the one who makes my life make sense! As I pursue him with my heart undone to whatever unfathomable destiny He wants to lead me into, I can rest assured that it is IN Him that I will become.

So, my closing thoughts to leave you with are:

1.) Don’t be arrogant enough to believe you have taken God by surprise and completely baffled Him concerning your destiny. He is all-powerful and the REDEEMER!

2.) Use the KPS (Kingdom Positioning System). Start with an honest account of your current location and allow God to “Recalculate.” Enjoy the journey!

3.) Consider the Lilies and how they grow…

4.) Cast off Micro-vision because we don’t serve a Micro God…We serve a BIG GOD whose purposes, plans, and dreams for our lives can be incomprehensible to us! It’s okay to embrace the invisible and mysterious ways that our God works and just trust Him to allow us those glimpses into Macro-vision!

And, please, if you see I’ve stumbled into the “gloom, despair, and agony on me” ditch…pick me up, dust me off, and put my macro-vision lenses back on my nose! Because seeing things from the perspective of God’s kingdom is much more glorious than seeing them from my limited understanding! (Prov 3: 5)

Life to you!

Reform

Reform (A Song)


Vs. 1
I hear my bones rattling
In this dry and dusty place
I’m a valley of silence
With no body and no face
My life and dreams are shattered
All you get is what you see
But something’s begun shaking
And it won’t turn loose of me.

So, Noisy pile of bones
Come together and form
A framework for new life
Where dreams can be reborn
Yeah, Dreams can be reborn

Vs. 2
Things they are connecting
If it’s one strand at a time
I'm feeling more protection
Form around pieces that I find
It’s all come together
But there’s more yet that I need
Dreams they can’t lay still
It’s by motion they are freed

So, now, flesh and sinew
Give these bones a chance to move
They’re calling for “do-over”
They’ve got something left to prove
Yeah, someone left to prove

Vs. 3
A breeze begins stirring
Like breath blown across the land
And I’m craving animation
My chest wants to expand
You know dreams fully formed
Still await the perfect word
Right there on the starting line
Until the words are heard

So, Speak into the wind
Words are carried upon it
Stirring life again
And then I breathe them in
Yeah, let’s breathe them in

Vs. 4
I feel my body moving
I have now become a part
Of something bigger than me
My reformation’s just a start
Every step I take forward
This beating heart takes a leap
My identity is in motion
Synchronized with destiny

So, do not be afraid
If dream-sands fall through your fist
For the power of Ex Nihilo
Oh, it really does it exist…
‘Out of nothing’ does exist.

© 2011 Beth Elaine Crowe



Inspired by Ezekiel 37 while reading a description of that passage in The Abbey's membership class manual "Belong 2011" and by many "going's on" in my own life and coversations with dear friends about it...

Origami and Sitars

Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed by all that is in my mind and stirred by all that is in my spirit I get restless and imaginative...I begin to hear a painting, and see the music..that reeks of insanity, I know, but usually when I'm this "out there" it begins to translate into a burst of creative energy. My "problem" is always deciding to where to channel it...do I go dig my chalk and/or oil paints from the laundry room closet? grab a knitting needle? exercise my fingers on the black and whites of the piano or across a computer's keyboard? do I escape to the acoustics of my shower? pedal my way through a woodsy trail or set my feet slapping to the rythym of music on the path around the lake? And, what would Jesus do...lol? Much of the time I allow this indecision to plague me to the point of wasted potential and creative frustration (aka doing nothing whatsoever)...but, tonight, I allowed the sweet music of some little-known artist (Eric Skye "My Romance") and the images I was hearing in his music to harmonize with those in my head along with those deep stirrings in my spirit...and this is what it yielded. By no means the pièce de résistance of my life or, possibly, even of my week; but, it is unpretentious and very "now" for me...

Origami and Sitars

My life folds and layers endlessly, in and over itself.
It will not fit neatly in a category or file easily upon a shelf.
Careful creases and haphazard diagonals across fine tissue,
And many strengths are talented enough to double as an issue.
An origami celebration set to the sound of a smooth jazz guitar.
Or the melody of a sad song playing on George’s lonely sitar.

“Not going gently” rises up artlessly and with great zeal,
As does moving on too quickly with little chance to heal.
Reluctance to lead; yet, desperation to “rage against a dying light.”
And still a prevailing need to discern what is and what is not my fight.
Dismissal and misunderstanding permeate so much of my relation;
But, learning, every God-given dream does not demand interpretation.

Simultaneously looking back to acknowledge while letting it all go.
Reaching forward with passion and trusting its upward, outward flow.
Scope and magnitude are limitless though, presently, confined to my dreams alone.
Though it is in the heart of their Master Designer that they truly find their home.
So with knowledge that God is the resource for fulfilling this passionate urge
I will rest in Him and, as a brave dreamer says, I will “trust it to emerge.”

Hope deferred...

You know, sometimes I'm just blown away by the love God has for us...I don't know what's going on in your life right now as you're reading this humble blog of mine; but, in all honesty, I've really been through the muck lately. For all the enjoyment I get out of reading about, studying, explaining, and relating the mathematical and scientific laws that govern the universe to life, the only one that has seemed to rule my own life, of late, was Murphy's Law...it has felt like for every glorious connection/breakthrough/discovery that I've made recently I've been hit with 10 challenges/losses/disconnects. And we're talking about big hits that have left strain in just about every area of my life and even in the lives of those around me...I could make you a list of all of the trying things going on in my life right now but I'm not trying to be histrionic just authentic and maybe a little vulnerable so that you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going with this...

It's important for me to relate to you how very much I like to feel like I have some control over the direction my life takes...I like order, I like to make plans, I like lists with checkmarks. My niece just discovered that I was a student who color-coded by subject down to the highlighter used in my textbook and notes and purchased me a 10 count package of highlighters in a rainbow of colors. :D I was "one of those" with a 10-yr. plan fresh out of high school and had a fair idea of exactly what my life would look like the day I turned 30. ROFL!!! Well, it would have been about 7 yrs. ago that all of those best-laid plans began to come unraveled and me with them. I've come through it, however, and have been delivered from some of those captive mindsets that motivated my over-industrious habits and control-freakiness. Yet, like the Hebrews freshly sprung from the clutches of the Egyptians, I've found myself in a wilderness season of life. And, sad to say, like the Hebrews, I've found myself stomping my feet and pouting about how at least in that former season of my life I knew what I would eat and drink, etc. Or, more accurately, at least in that season of my life I felt some purpose in, understanding of, and direction for my life (misguided as it may have been). Silly, huh? Well, I came to that realization myself a while ago and have embraced whatever it may be that God has planned for me. Nevertheless, here I sit in the wilderness having become very impatient for the promised land...

So, I've caught you up on how I've been feeling lately (i.e. stuck in the wilderness still believing God for whatever's next...waiting, praying, believing...but, because of so many recent disappoinments, not really hoping.) Then, this morning, I'm in church and this gentleman, a pastor, stands up with one of those things that totally scare spit-less the un-churched and still challenge some circles within the church...he begins to prophesy. He says and I'm paraphrasing with liberties, "There are some of you here today who are believing, and I mean, really believing for things in your life...dreams tucked deep away in your hearts. You believe that God is able, You believe that God placed them inside of you and that He can bring them to fruition. But you're in pain with it...because you've lost something vital. You're believing but you're not expecting. You've lost your expecation because of so many disappointments. And now you won't let yourself expect because it hurts too much and you don't want to be let down again. But God wants to tell you and your heart today to continue to believe but also to EXPECT and that those things, those dreams, that you are believing for will come to pass..." It was a moment of indecent exposure of the heart for me...LOL...let me tell you what I mean by that. Have you ever been in one of the various states of undress and the phone rings but, without thinking, you go ahead and answer it? But, while talking, your, ahem, various state of undress begins to make you feel uncomfortable because the longer the conversation goes on the more aware of it you become even though the person on the other end can have no idea? Well, indulge me a moment, then (even if I'm the only one who's jumped out of the shower to answer the phone). As the Pastor talked the more "naked" my heart felt until I was almost paranoid that those around me could see through me to the state of my heart at that moment. All of my newly-awakened dreams just haven't found purchase and it's like I've caught heart flu...(graphic mental picture of a snot covered, cold sore infested, fever-y, achey heart...not pleasant). So, service moved on...good message on fear, and good fellowship after but God's voice was still and small resonating in my sick heart because there's nowhere that he refuses to show up and nothing too gross, too sick, or too dark that he cannot diffuse with his light. "Hope deferred..." he said over and over...strangely familiar phrase but I just couldn't place it...

So, after lunch and while my youngest is settled down for a nap I do what every tech-savvy American girl does when she has a phrase or question caught in the framework of her heart and mind, I googled it. :) And, lo and behold, I get this...

Proverbs 13:12 (New International Version)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Extremely relevant...and coupled with the prophecy it's a promise that as I continue to expect my longing to be fulfilled I will experience that tree of life or (as The Message puts it) my life turned around. I wish I could say that I just took that word, felt my heart miraculously cured, and went on my merry way to slay the dragons of disappointment, defeat, and discouragement...but, no, I felt uplifted but still inhibited by all of the chaos and disappointments taking place in this very moment of my life. My life still feels as though it's spinning out of control and that I have no clarity for my future....

It wasn't until I was listening to some Suzy Yaraei worship music and 'surfing' that I came across an article and felt the beginnings of release and hope springing up out of my heart like the tender leaves that poke through the spring dirt.

SUMMARY
Scientists in France and at the University of Ohio have made theoretical advance in atomic behavior that could lead to sharper images on MRI's. Nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR) and it's medical version, MRI, show what the inside of an object looks like by detecting tiny atoms that act like magnets. Inside the machine's strong magnetic field, atoms align according to north and south magnetic poles, spinning and precessing like tiny tops. Each type of atom broadcasts its identity by emitting a unique radio frequency.

NMR can reveal the structure of individual molecules. But pictures of complex objects, like the human brain, often lack detail, because whenever atoms happen to broadcast in opposite directions, they cancel each other out of the final image.

So, to boost NMR resolution, scientists routinely perform a certain type of experiment that keeps the spins of atoms under very strict control. They refer to such experiments as adiabatic. However, the atoms in the experiments don't always behave as the scientist's intended them to in this intensely controlled environment. Instead, it seems that although the experiment yields good results, the atoms seem to fly out of control.

However, after further research, it was discovered that the atoms were not spinning out of control they were just moving in a way outside of the commonly accepted adiabatic theory. This "super-adiabaticity" is what was responsible for yielding good results without the usual and predictable paths...Furthermore, scientists are discovering through complex mathematical computations and 3-D charting that the "out of control" spinning atom is actually following a very carefully designed path.

"With super-adiabaticity, the atoms follow a different -- sometimes, wildly different -- path, but still end up at the right destination."

Scientists hope to use the charting of super-adiabaticity and to incorporate the algorithm into software for controlling NMR and MRI measurements, where it might boost image resolution.

So, my conclusion from that article is really rather short and concise...I'm not spinning out of control. And this wildly different path I'm on will end up at the right destination...and, better yet,the end result will be a boosted image resolution...a clearer picture of who my God is and who He is making me to be within his kingdom.

So maybe the path of my life is "super-adiabastic" and I'm coming unraveled. :D

But I'm thankful...

And it's good...

Because I know that in the midst of the unraveling God is threading my life into a marvelous tapestry that it will, like all good tapestries do, tell a story...A story of an unlikely woman with a dream who believed and HOPED! And, God, who loves her (and you, not incidentally), was faithful as he promised...

And, if you can relate, Friend, I hope this shared chapter in the story of this unlikely woman can encourage you...keep hoping...



.........................................................Celtic Tree of Life Tapestry