Have you screwed up your life?

I think at some point in time in everyone’s journey they look around at the scene of their life and ask, “How’d I get here? This isn’t how I planned it…” I think, more often than most times, this is done with feelings of disappointment, regret, and, maybe even, despair. I know I have done it, especially within the last two years. It is difficult to look around at the muck (or the realities) of your life and have it measure up to the ideal path you had laid out in your mind’s eye. I think it is on these occasions where we mistakenly see our lives through a microscope, zooming in through the lens of “our best laid plans”---micro-vision, and miss the scope and magnitude of a vision that encompasses the whole of our life---macro-vision. Micro-vision gives you a very limited perspective of the extent of influence and purpose your life has; Macro-vision is the holistic and almost multi-dimensional view of your life and how it ripples outwards to effect matters outside your limited viewing area. Micro-vision is molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen forming in the atmosphere; Macro-vision is watching cloud formations sweep across the Earth. Micro-vision is small mind anxiety, worry, and concern (legitimate or illegitimate); Macro-vision is Kingdom-minded and perpetuates joy, freedom, and trust in God! But lest I sound as though I’ve got it allllll figured out (BAHAHAHA!), let me tell you how I’m arriving at a Macro-vision view of my life.

I am the 28 yr. old mother of two children, ages 4 and 2; and, I am the wife, for 6 years, to one very pioneering radio/sales man. I have 2 years of college and have just come to the light at the end of the tunnel through five years of financial devastation. I live in the town I grew up in and have a social circle about the size of a dime.---What’s wrong with that, you ask? You sound just like any other ordinary, small- town mother of toddlers who has fallen prey to the economy and bad circumstances…really, Beth, these are the things the average person deals with.---But, now you’ve gone and said it! You called me average…You called me ordinary! One of my favorite actresses gets credit for this quote which I repeated often in my high school and college days, “I don’t want to be ordinary…Ordinary scares me to death.” I wanted to change my community, change my world, and change people’s minds. I wanted to be an International Aids Advocate, work within the United Nations Nuclear Proliferation Council, write the next “War and Peace,” tour with Green Peace, sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” with a group of the world’s best artists at the Grammy’s, and be one of the preferred guests on Oprah and Good Morning America. I did not want to be a local college drop-out statistic, early-married, and sending children to school before my own education was finished. I did not want to learn about student loan deferment, state insurance for my children, and bill collector harassment. These were giant F’s on the report card of my academic soul. These were my micro-vision lenses through which I had been viewing my life and its present circumstances. I kept looking back at decisions I had made, that were “bad” decisions, and despairing over the “what ifs?” I would gravitate from depression and resignation to anger and willfulness…in one of my angry rants with God (the One who takes in all of me), I said, “ I’ve completely screwed up my life!!!” Now hold on to your seats for His reply to me….because as a song from one of my favorite groups says, “(His) anger stays a moment but (His) favor lasts a whole life long.”

God said, “What insufferable conceit! What ego-centric arrogance! You think I, the God of universal restoration and redemption; You think I, the God who is MORE than enough; You think I, the God of LOVE, the love which covers a multitude of sins; You think I, the God of the ages from Adam’s Eden to Jesus’s death and resurrection and even beyond…You THINK I am undone by YOUR mistakes or choices? You really believe that you have stepped beyond me and my om-ni-po-tence (I heard that word like it was sounded-out by a hooked on phonics student)??? So, you have stepped beyond the limits of My grace, have you?”

Believe me when I say, I felt those micro-vision lenses slapped off my face…and silence reverberated to the core of me. God does the spirit version of the “mom tone/look” better than any of us could ever dream of having the skills for…and I just had an epic reprimand. Thoroughly humbled and repentant, I tearfully confessed that I simply did not know what measuring system to use across the dimensions of my life. I confessed that I knew my vision was skewed but even by the teachings I had heard, the standards of prosperity represented, and the proverbs I had read in His word, I still felt like a miserable failure in comparison. So, He answered the way that only my Abba Father does, “My sweet love, Beth, I will show you…Trust me and listen.”

-OR- Be still and know that I am GOD!

Over the next 2 years God began to reveal to me His Kingdom perspective of my life. He began to impart to me, through His word and through the lives of those around me, a revelation of Macroscopic proportions…a vision of “His economy and His fully-resourced Kingdom.” He deposited dynamic people in my life, culture-shaping literature, and a realization of the greatest resource at my disposal…my time. And how I should make use of every spare minute that this season of life has afforded me. He reawakened visions and dreams within me long surrendered to the muck of life. He revealed to me that the truths that about His character and His word that I had allowed to become tainted by petty people and even pettier circumstances. Basically, God has been retrofitting me with my very own macro-vision lenses.

And I’d like to share a few of those lessons/illustrations He has used (is using) with you…if you’ll let me.

Most of us are familiar with GPS and at least a rough idea of how to use it to reach a destination. I heard a woman tell a story about being in the car on a family trip and the stress that her husband’s inattentive driving skills caused her. Her husband was driving in a big city with several lanes of traffic and his exit was coming up on the right. He, of course, was in the FAAAARRRR left lane and needed to start making his way across those lanes of traffic to make his exit. The wife calmly asked, “Honey, don’t you think you should get over?” Then, “Honey, you need to get over. Your exit is coming up on the right.” Then, “You’re going to miss you’re exit! You need to get over now!” Then, “Get over NOW! We’re missing the EXIT!!!” Lastly, “YOU MISSED THE EXIT!!!!” This speaker laughingly joked about her jealousy and loathing of the “GPS Woman” who, after she had just completely lost her cool and yelled at her husband, comes on the car’s speakers in a smooth, beautifully calm voice and says, “Recalculating.”



She related her reaction to the reaction that we ourselves, and maybe those who care about us (or maybe just self-righteously judge us) have, when we miss our turns in life. But, you see, one of my favorite things about technology and one of the biggest reasons I read scientific magazines about new discoveries and the latest inventions is because when I see the creativity of humanity, I get a glimpse of my Father. There are some AMAZING technologies and UBER-CREATIVE artists among us but they pale in comparison to the creativity and ingenuity of The Creator. He is DaVinci to the Nth degree! So, when humanity creates a device that never says, “You can’t get there from here!” and calmly recalculates from our current position to get us to our true destination; I think, “My God can do that better!” Global Positioning Systems have nothing on the Kingdom Positioning System He has in place! The resources of the Holy Spirit make our satellite technology look pitiful in comparison! He does not believe that you “can’t get there from here” or that you’ve finally gone too far. He has recalculations in place for any misstep we might take and we cannot step beyond his restorative power! It may cost you some time or an off-the-beaten-path trek (or not! Read Acts 8 ;) but He can get you there! And will, If you’ll dial into His KPS…



Another lesson that God has been patiently teaching me is one that is the cure for my ‘Disease of the Do-s.’ I am a performance oriented person. If you went to school with me or worked with me on a project, you know this. I need to be productive, to perpetuate progress, and feel as though there are emerging visible results of my efforts. Living in a season of invisibility has challenged me and my thought patterns. Sometimes you may as well be shackled to a stone wall as to be able to get anything done with a 20 lb. infant in your arms. Combine, being a mother of toddlers with some of the challenges I listed above and you have one frustrated go-getter. I can laugh at this moment at the absurdity of feeling limited by what doubles as one of my most precious and enjoyable gifts; but (please don’t judge me here), I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t tell you that motherhood hasn’t always been enjoyable for me. I have often felt caught in a Catch 22…wanting to make myself better to make my children’s futures better but unable to do anything because of lack of resources and wanting to be there for them now. And, I look at all I want for them, for my friends and family, and, ultimately, for God’s kingdom! And I ask God, “What can I do? How can I make something happen? How am I going to be the woman You’ve called me to be?”

My answer came from a very wise lady’s precise and beautiful interpretation of Luke 12: 27 (This Lady is also my favorite author, ask me about her ;)…

“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.”

My own interpretation of her words is that a lily does not despair and worry over how to spring forth as a gorgeous splash across the landscape. A lily feels no need to earn the approval of its creator in order to become beautiful. A lily has within itself, from seed to bloom, a set DNA that perpetuates its “becoming.” And, in due time, it produces its result. We, too, have our own spiritual DNA (our own blue-print of becoming) and no matter how we worry or try to make things happen, our lives will not manifest their “blooms” until the appointed season. And, instead of seeing this as a point of frustration/ limitation, this should bring joy! For, if God has put within us everything we need to become, we can rest in His unfailing love and the finished work of the cross, because He will finish what he has begun! (Phil 1: 6) I am liberated by these promises! Because I don’t have to “do” and despair about my future and how I am going to fashion visible results…I don’t have to drive myself mad prying open doors that haven’t yet been opened to me or be busy trying to earn His favor. I can trust in the designer of exotic blooms! I can trust that He holds my destiny in His hands and that, as long as my heart is pursuing His heart, the dreams and plans He lovingly inspired within me will come to fruition. Because If he cares enough for flowers to pave the way for them to become such stunning masterpieces of creation, how much more does he care for you and I?

These are the lessons of grace that God is teaching me. This is what I hope will inspire your heart as well. Because I know that the covenant that I enjoy with my Father is one that takes me beyond performance and law; past separation and condemnation; and away from a close-minded and micro-vision view of my life. His grace leads me into unconditional love and righteousness through Him (and Him alone); into redemption and restoration; and gives me eyes to see the outrageous capacity of His power to exponentially increase the significance of my seemingly small existence. He is the one who makes my life make sense! As I pursue him with my heart undone to whatever unfathomable destiny He wants to lead me into, I can rest assured that it is IN Him that I will become.

So, my closing thoughts to leave you with are:

1.) Don’t be arrogant enough to believe you have taken God by surprise and completely baffled Him concerning your destiny. He is all-powerful and the REDEEMER!

2.) Use the KPS (Kingdom Positioning System). Start with an honest account of your current location and allow God to “Recalculate.” Enjoy the journey!

3.) Consider the Lilies and how they grow…

4.) Cast off Micro-vision because we don’t serve a Micro God…We serve a BIG GOD whose purposes, plans, and dreams for our lives can be incomprehensible to us! It’s okay to embrace the invisible and mysterious ways that our God works and just trust Him to allow us those glimpses into Macro-vision!

And, please, if you see I’ve stumbled into the “gloom, despair, and agony on me” ditch…pick me up, dust me off, and put my macro-vision lenses back on my nose! Because seeing things from the perspective of God’s kingdom is much more glorious than seeing them from my limited understanding! (Prov 3: 5)

Life to you!